Rejection is a funny thing. It’s not so much laugh out loud funny as it is grinning through gritted teeth funny, but I suppose by now I’m immune to it really.

People from all walks of life try to mask it as constructive criticism, and some even try to console you by letting you know that there are others out there who’ll want you, that you’ll be the perfect fit – now that makes me laugh; really makes my sides split in two.

The rain keeps pattering, then smearing on my window screen; another sign of the long lost summer that never was. My coffee’s cold. My bloody coffee’s cold! That’s the third time that’s happened this trip, and now the bacon sandwich from the service station isn’t agreeing with me, I suppose I’ll have to pull over for a dump soon. Ah, who’d be me?

She found me quite a reject. Well, enough to throw me on the scrap heap and allow me to watch as she tried out newer models. Well you’re paying for it now darling, all pierced, gagged and tied up in the back seat of my car. You couldn’t have possibly thought you were going to get away with treating me like subhuman filth, and let me tell you something, you’re the filth and you’re going in ground, right where you belong. While you’re down there, do me a favour and say hello to the worms.

Still, I’m picking myself up now, I’ve got my suit on and things are coming along nicely. I’m on my way to the first interview since my involuntary redundancy, are you proud of me? Onto pastures green, no thanks to you.

What’s this? The fuzz on my tail; a sea of neon and self-righteous fury. What do they want with me?

Shit, they want me to pull over, I’m in big trouble. You just shut up and let me do the talking, don’t say one word. I need to get myself together.

“H-hello officer, can I help you?”

“Did you know you were going 80mph in a 60mph zone?”

“No, I’m very sorry, I’m late for a job interview and my speed must’ve got away with me”.

“A job interview, eh? Well I’m afraid I’m going to have to book you anyway”.

“Okay, the law is the law…”

“By the way, between me and you, I’ve got a blow up doll exactly like that, I call her Rhonda”.

An excerpt from my audio book, Flash in the Pan: Sticks like Glue. An offbeat collection of Flash Fiction.